Chapter One Excerpt: Love Mechanics - Power Tools To Build Successful Relationships With Women
WHAT CONDITION ARE YOU IN?
Let’s get started. In Chapter 1 we will access your current condition as a single man. We will discuss the phase you are presently going through, acknowledging that you’re the one behind the wheel; you can stay put or move on.
More often than not, men go through many different phases in single life. You need to be honest with yourself now about what phase you are in, so you can move ahead, achieve your goals, and deepen the connection to your own soul. Your current phase determines the necessary actions and the appropriate tuning to get you back on the road.
We all must be clear and honest with ourselves and others when we are out connecting, or we might be led on or hurt. At least if you know what the truth is and tell the truth, all parties can make a choice to get involved or not.
Just like choosing a vehicle, you look at where you're at in your life and what your needs are, then you can check out all your options. The same goes for relationships. I'm surprised that so many people who attend my classes are numb to this. When asked, "When it comes to your love life, what are you looking for?,” their answers are all over the road. "Love? Maybe. I’m not sure. A friend? A companion? I just want casual sex. Just to get out again seems like a hassle! Takes too much time right now, but I would like to date occasionally. Marriage — not for me right now, I'm building my company!"
Many people aren't clear on their goals in relationships, so they keep attracting situations that cause unnecessary stresses in their life or they have no action at all, and they wonder why.
STOP NOW! Ask yourself if you even know your place in the game. Most of us go through phases where we are open, loving and creative. Then some single men get so negative, shutdown and shell shocked that no one could penetrate them with love if they tried. Sometimes you are ready to dive into the depths of passion and love from your core, while at other times you are healing, growing, and exploring your life alone. Where are you as a single man? Do you want to lease or buy long term? Do you know? So many singles are frustrated because they don’t know why they are creating havoc in their single existence, why they are so desperately seeking love, why they are avoiding pain with drinking, smoking, sex, drugs, pornography . . . or why they are all alone.
By becoming more conscious of your current status, you can plan the steps you are willing to take to move forward. There will be many insights along the way to uplift and heal your pattern in relationships. You’re in the driver’s seat from now on.
WHAT PHASE ARE YOU IN?
Each Phase is broken down so that you can do an honest evaluation of your current situation as a single man. You will also become aware of the phases that your dates go through. Frankly, it’s just as important to know their phases as it is your own. LISTEN closely to see if you really have a GREEN light to go forward. Sometimes we don't read the signs properly, and we should be YIELDING or coming to a complete STOP. Let's explore the phases and take note of the reminder signs along the way.
Are you in shock after a long term relationship — or marriage — and suddenly single again? New to the game? All shook up about being out there on your own? Suddenly you’re in the situation where your mate moved away or transferred, or abruptly left the relationship, or maybe you broke it off realizing you weren’t a good match for a long term relationship.
This is surely a time of healing and growth, and depending on the type of separation, there is a necessary adjustment period to be fully ready to move on to another relationship. Getting adjusted to living alone or not having that other person around takes time — time to absorb the shock.
This phase can be very painful and feels like a divorce — whether it was or not. Even if you weren't married, the bonding was there, and the disappointment can rake at your heart. At other times, you feel relieved and excited about your new status and welcome the freedom to explore new relationships.
From a woman’s standpoint, meeting you right now can be difficult, because even if you broke it off, you still have to go through a separation period from the other person's energy, from the old lifestyle and from habits you shared. Consider taking a time out to recover, instead of jumping back on the freeway, and trying to find someone right away. Many men who are "suddenly single" go on a quest for knowledge to learn from their relationship so as to not repeat the past. I assist many singles in this phase, and I suggest that you get support and grow into your new life slowly with kindness and openness.
Depending on how you look at it, this can either be a time of difficulty and challenge, or of great excitement. If you don't heal the past before starting to date again, you could become embittered and give up. STAY OPEN. This book will bring you healing tools and help you discover many ways to recharge yourself. Hang in there! Being suddenly single is usually a blessing in disguise.
Take a deep breath and relax.
In the low pressure phase you are either uninterested in a long term relationship or don't have the desire to be with one person at this time. Perhaps you are new to dating or just beginning to adjust to your new single status. Maybe you’ve have done some healing, and you desire to just hang out and be friends with new people. You’re checking out your options. You enjoy dating various women, and you may or may not be sexual intimate with different people.
Whatever your state of mind, you don’t want any pressure. You want to explore your options.
If this is you, be honest with the women you are dating. You can save your partners a lot of heartache. If they want to jump in too fast, slow down and proceed with an open heart and build the foundation first to avoid pain later.
Also, I strongly suggest taking it easy if you're dating a woman who tells you that this is the phase she are in. Believe her!! Go slow and take caution. Pay attention to the signs along the way, especially if you are in a different phase and looking for more than a casual date. Listen to the verbal messages and use your intuition.
PASSENGERS STILL IN YOUR VEHICLE
You appear to be single but you still have a lover in your heart that you haven't quite let go of. You may have broken off a relationship and are "just friends" with your ex, you may still be having sex with her for fear of being alone. You may consider yourself to be back in the market, but you’ll never be fully present for anyone else with your old lover's energy hanging around. It's like having a pile of garbage in your car — no one else can take a ride until it is cleaned out. The space isn't free.
Having someone in the wings can block you from new love, and dating you can be frustrating for those who desire deeper intimacy. Be honest with others you're dating about this other person and your situation in order to grant them their fair options. Don't be selfish!
If you’re dating someone like this, you may not even be aware of the lack of presence until you have dated for sometime. You'll sense that they have energy somewhere else, and you're not sure why. I’ve had clients whose dates were still living with “old partners.” Of course, my clients were constantly feeling confused because they were not a priority. If you sense that something is amiss, look for signs of someone else in their life, such as moodiness, inconsistent behavior, secret phone calls and broken plans. Use your intuition on this one.
COMPLETE ENGINE BREAKDOWN
If you are in the Complete Engine Breakdown phase, you have had a bad break up. You are a single soul who is either depressed, irate, or shut down. Possibly, you experience all of these symptoms from time-to-time. You no longer believe in love, perhaps you even hate women. You are completely in a rut.
You are constantly focused on hurts from the past. You say things like "Why bother? Dating is a pain in the neck. I'm never going to love again. I'm fed up with women." Some men (and women) in this phase try to fill that void with work, partying, sex, drugs, gambling, food or drink while others go into long states of depression and grief.
Whatever your activities, you aren't willing to take responsibility for being on the merry go round of negative consciousness — round and round you go with your anger, your actions, your words, and your core beliefs. Being around you is challenging, especially if others are in a happy state. It irritates you.
If you are in this phase, your energy can easily drive others away. Keep reading and learn how to change that energy and create a fulfilling single life.
You’re a newly divorced father or a single parent. You may be feeling sad and vulnerable, perplexed that the breakup happened. Conversely, you may be relieved of the burden of "the ex" and enthralled to be moving on! A friend of mine said it was like his parole was over and he was free. Don't be fooled here, healing is happening whether you want to admit it or not. And having children involved adds to the adjustment time, the energy drain, and the stress.
Being a single parent is a lot of work. Moreover, it takes patience and communication to work out the custody details and schedules for the care of the children. Their emotions — and lifestyles — are impacted, so it is very important to put the children’s interests first, no matter what you’re dealing with in the process.
Men show up in my classes newly separated from a long-time partner shell shocked, and, in my opinion, not in a great place to create a safe foundation with a new partner. To my surprise, other men in their situation are very sensitive and in search of a support system for their new situation. I tell them to reach out for it!
Any way you slice it, it isn't easy. You're in a phase that can take some time to repair, and your situation is unique to you and your particular set of circumstances. You have to separate your things, move and regroup. Money issues and custody challenges take a lot of energy and adjustment time for everyone. There is no way to access the pain, sorrow, and disappointment you're experiencing. This book will be a guide for you to mend your heart and tune up before you get back out on the road.
On the other side of the coin, meeting a freshly divorced woman is okay, but move slowly. Otherwise you may end up being the healing angel who is left in the parking lot alone after the woman gets back into balance.
SECURING YOUR VEHICLE
You’re in the foundation phase, focused on building your career, setting goals for your future, and achieving them step by step. You’re very committed to security and may not have time to nurture a full time relationship. You’re securing your vehicle: laying the cornerstones for your life and creating your empire.
People do desire to have a partner and to build a future together in this phase. If you do meet someone who wants a relationship, it is imperative to be honest, to let her know if you're too busy with your career. Otherwise, you’re liable to cause a lot of distress.
You’re an on-the-go businessman working round the clock. You have a strong commitment to your work and your personal goals — you have a lot to watch over. You’re already successful and have to maintain it.
If this describes you, you may find it challenging to get out to date or to meet new people, because your energy is focused on work, work, work. Because of the high performance and steady maintenance it takes to stay on top, women in your life must be patient. Dating you can be very frustrating because you’re driven by money and success. Usually, when powerful, highly intelligent men like this desire to relax and play, they want an understanding, undemanding partner who appreciates all the hard work they've done.
The problem arises when your goal-focused lifestyle clashes with the needs and desires of the woman in your life. You must help her see that it is not personal. The fact is, you are on a quest. She may be part of your support team and your inspiration, or she may be on her own path to success. This High Performance syndrome goes both ways. The times have changed and women work just as long and hard as men these days. Balancing work, home, kids and a man can be stressful.
Many High Performance people marry, sharing their lives and growing together and as long as there is clear understanding, good, ongoing communication and lots of appreciation — it can work!
However, when men get focused too much on work, and the women in their lives feel under appreciated and under nurtured, the romance can definitely fade. Hundreds of women surveyed mentioned that their husbands/boyfriends work too much and that they miss the romance and quality time. They are happy for the success of their men, but what is it all for? To live at the office? To never have time to enjoy the money? This is a serious challenge for many successful couples in our society today.
Is this you? If so, wake up! There will always be "meetings," the next “really important deal," and, or course, the promises to take a few days off "soon." Are you…
• Constantly busy?
• Working on days off?
• Eating on the run?
• Always rushing?
• Thinking about work on vacation (which you sometimes cut short)?
• Hearing a lot of complaints (about you) from those closest in your life?
• Having little or no intimacy?
Some single men get caught up in work so they don’t have to deal with loneliness or the time it takes to create relationships. Maybe they don't see intimacy and relationship as priorities. Sometimes years will pass. Their lives become all about work. I meet many men in my seminars whose wives or lovers left them for this reason. The men still wonder why. Their typical comment is: "I made tons of money — what else does she want?"
If you don’t want to end up rich and alone, consider creating a shift in your life. Unless, of course, that is what you choose for yourself. Only you know what is in your heart. Ask yourself:
• Am I using my accomplishments to get noticed?
• Am I trying to prove something to someone?
• What motivates me to work so much?
• Am I working to numb my emotions or to cover insecurity or pain?
• Did I dig myself into a situation I can’t dig myself out of?
• Is there a solution in sight?
• Is the work giving me the satisfaction I deserve?
• Am I happy and balanced in other areas of my life — romance, friendships, family time?
• Do I want a relationship?
• Am I afraid of intimacy? Have I ever been intimate?
• Am I willing to slow down a bit NOW to achieve more balance in my current situation?
We live in a fast paced world, but we must maintain a balance to have some sanity in our lives. If you’re a High Performance type, you must create space and time to have love and intimacy or, in the end, your accomplishments will mean nothing to you.
In my interviews with numerous students, I’ve been told that the challenges of school and work don’t allow for much socializing. Students feel that they are constantly on the run — burning rubber from their jobs to school to the study hall! If you’re a student, I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. In this day and age, thousands of us are back in school to get an advanced degree while still working. It can be hard to connect with your classmates, but it is important to take a few hours a week to meet new people.
If you’re dating a student, you won't be the priority for awhile, but it's not impossible to create time for social interaction — and hopefully some love and intimacy. If both parties understand the process, go forward and co-create a winning relationship.
Some students have great social skills, while the left-brainers need to get back into balance after school has ended. The divorce rate of doctors, surgeons, engineers, and lawyers is quite high. This is largely due to the high stress and long hours of required study which all but eliminates time to be with friends and lovers. Many highly educated professionals attend my seminars to brush up on people skills never taught in universities.
Keep reading, you’re in the right place.
These days, we don’t marry right out of college like we used to, so it would be the ultimate to learn these tools in school before getting into a long term relationship.
You're new to the area and don't know your way around. Where are the great hangouts, the hot groups, the exciting events? At first, you may only know co-workers or fellow students and you’re anxious to find your niche here in your new home. Of course, it can be exciting to explore, but it takes time, especially in big cities.
Depending on your reason for moving and the current status of your heart, you could be having the adventure of a lifetime. If you're still healing from a relationship or are separated from your current lover, we will tune you up! In the following chapters, I'll suggest ways to plug into your new area that will help you create new directions in your life. No worries!
HIGH SPEED CHASER
You’re sleek and on the run. You jump from one new deal to another — always ready to try out the slicker model. The thrill of the ride excites you. You don’t want attachment. You don’t want commitment. If you do make commitments for long term relationship, you don’t keep them. You lease yourself out and go for a quick trade in when the ride gets uncomfortable.
You're like a knight in shining armor riding from castle to castle. You don't give details, just vague and charming stories. You desire different partners for hot sex and love to show off your latest conquest to your friends. You never know where you will end up or with whom. You don't keep promises and rarely make them.
If you do have friends, they’re just like you. From the outside, your life appears glamorous. You're always on the scene, always looking good. Of course, this phase can be very exciting, but it can also be isolated since you know you are damaging other people along the way.
You're having a ball, but your playing can hurt the people you date if you’re not honest about what is real for you.
Some "bad boys" will admit to being in this phase. Deep inside, they have huge egos and need to be validated constantly. Women in this phase need the same kind of approval, so they tend to find High Speed Chasers to temporarily fill the void.
A High Speed Chaser can't live without the thrill, the attention and the false confidence that one partner after another gives him. Usually singles in the early years of dating are in this phase but some people never grow out of it, especially in cities where there are lots of beautiful people (i.e., Los Angeles, New York, Dallas, Atlanta).
If you’re dating a woman in this phase, have fun — that’s about all you’ll have. It's a fast and furious short lived ride. Beware of your heart if you want more!
If you’re after deeper intimacy, don't go there — it's a waste of time!
This is one of the biggest phases. You've finally let go of your last relationship and you're out for a comfortable ride. You are a happy, free agent and can do whatever you want, whenever you want with no residual pain from the past. Most singles come to this place when the healing process is finished. In the Comfortable Ride phase, you’ve shifted gears to a new level about what you deserve, you’re out again and feeling good. It's a great place to be.
You know when you go out with a woman that she isn’t IT! You're dating new people, but you’re not looking for a long ride.
The Comfortable Ride phase holds an important key to creating your future. When old past patterns resurface, now you know how to process through them. So have fun, drop unrealistic expectations, and explore new friends. Stay focused and keep working on yourself during this time and you will consistently create new opportunities and connection with interesting folks.
When you're in the Comfortable Ride phase, you are living in the now and your heart is open. Feel the freedom of your spirit, and explore with joy!
UNDER THE HOOD
This is a phase of exploration into your soul. It comes when you realize you haven't reached your goals in love and in life. You're yearning to connect with the deeper parts of yourself. You can’t pretend not to hear the truth any longer. Your inner voice is speaking, and you know it’s time to take a look under the hood, to see your underlying challenges, and willingly undergo a tune up.
In the Under the Hood phase, you connect with a more profound inner life and you may want to share these new explorations with your friends. Many men have a conflict here: they think it's feminine to go deep into themselves, and yet they yearn to experience more intimacy.
Here’s my promise: if you can muster the courage to dive into the depths, you will absolutely experience a richer life! You can count on it.
You’ve been single for so long that you wonder if you are able to fit someone into your life. You're in a groove, you have a free lifestyle, you can come and go as you please. You have a distant dream of meeting someone who could merge with your life, but your vision isn't clear yet as to how that could happen. You’re afraid that you will have to compromise your current modus operandi.
You enjoy riding solo. It will take the real deal to break you out of your routine. Your standards may be set so high that you make it impossible for anyone to fit in. If you want to be with a woman, you will have to break some habits and alter comfortable routines — and this seems all-but-impossible right now. You see what it takes to develop and maintain a soul mate relationship and you wonder, Can I ever have a relationship and be happy?
The only way to know is to explore relationships with an open mind. Potential partners may say you are selfish and think only of yourself. Is it true? Do you make partners jump through hoops to override the barriers to your heart? If so, his can lead those who are involved with you into the Out of Gas phase.
OUT OF GAS
You have dated casually but have never gone deep into relationships, so you’re just giving up on the whole idea for yourself. Because of rejection or lack of connection, you may feel unworthy to have love. Maybe you feel you don't deserve it. You never quite believed in love, and you’ve gotten to live out your beliefs in most of your dating scenarios. More than likely, you didn't have any role models to guide you. You feel shutdown and alienated. At least on the surface, you've accepted your fate: you were born alone, and you'll stay alone.
(Nevertheless, the desire for deep connection is buried inside your heart and soul. You just don't know how to find it.)
If this is you, cheer up! There are many ways to get out of this dark phase and create a new attitude about life. Keep reading.
TIMING IS OFF
If you are in this phase, the timing just does not flow. For reasons of location, educational obligations, work, previous commitments, etc., the people involved are out of sync. It can be painful if the person is right but the timing is off, but you can't force anything. Perhaps in the future it could work, but don't live your life waiting for someone else to come through for you. If it is meant to happen, it will.
Until then, live life to the fullest!
In the Constant Repair phase, you are continually searching for answers from outside yourself. Not that the search isn't great — you're reading this, aren't you? But at some point you must STOP looking and actually apply what you found. Do the work on yourself before trying out the newest seminar or quick fix. I watch too many people attend my seminars all eager and enthusiastic, then lose momentum by not using the tune up tools.
You must make a roadmap first to find which direction you want to travel in and then take steps in that direction. There are no quick fixes or temporary repairs. Take the necessary time to do the self repair.
Follow up on your new adventure, and both your trip and your arrival at your chosen destination will be well worth it!
If you’re a Fuel Drainer, you feel so desperate to find someone, you will do anything for love. You will cling and hang onto the slightest glimmer of hopeful connection. You will have chronic health problems, eating disorders, or serious money challenges. You will have addictions to alcohol, drugs and cigarettes. You will be constantly asking for help.
In bold print, your calling card will say, “codependent”.
If you are in this phase, you may want to get more help, and some of the guidelines in this book will assist you to find the right healing modality for you. Then you can develop a healthy foundation to work from.
DENTS AND PINGS
You’ve been rejected and you feel dented by someone you’ve been dating. You want to heal the pain, but you don't want to deal with the aloneness, or the rejection, so you opt for a fix in a new relationship. Or maybe you go out on lots of dates to fill the void and over and over you keep rebounding into the same type of relationship. You open up and jump into a new relationship only to discover that you are still healing the same old issues.
You may end up talking incessantly about the last person you dated. This is a sure sign that it is time to work on your internal dialogue and reprogram your belief system and consciousness.
Smooth out the dents first!
TOP RUNNING CONDITION
Top Running Condition is the place to be! You’re finally in a zone where you accept yourself. You’ve defined your personal and relationship values and you appreciate yourself for the gift you are. You are fulfilled being single and open to meeting others who are in similar states.
To be in top Running Condition does not mean you want to stay single, only that you have created yourself to be what you are asking for. You are "THE ONE." You are committed to your life purpose and to living in the moment, seeing both yourself and others with a deeper vision. You are now demonstrating an inner trust in your own soul for guiding you to the perfect friendships, relationships, and love in all areas of your life. Your energy emanates joy, self esteem, and wisdom.
You move about your life in "Top Running Condition" until you magnetize your match or are fulfilled being alone.
LONG TERM CONNECTION
If you’re in this phase, you’ve been on the solo journey long enough. You’re ready to commit to a relationship and you’re looking for a quality long term connection. You’ve explored your options and are prepared to take off on a new trail with a mate. You want to create a bonding with that special someone and travel down the path of love.
You’re ready for the long haul.
You understand women. You know what they bring to your life and what they need. You’re ready to explore the world with an evolved partner and to co create a life that is unique to your common vision.