Chapter Three Excerpt: Love Mechanics - Power Tools To Build Successful Relationships With Women
HOW'S YOUR MENTAL ENGINE RUNNING AND WHO'S STEERING YOUR THOUGHTS?
"When you see a worthy person, endeavor to emulate him.
When you see an unworthy person, then examine your inner self."
ARE YOU DRIVING WITH CONFIDENCE?
As I mentioned in Chapter 2, if you are open and you want to meet new people, you must first learn to shift your internal state. That's what it takes — an open mental state and the internal work to back it up! If, within the last year or two you've experienced rejections, lousy lovers or bad relationships, or just have not been able to have the person you want, you may start to doubt yourself. You hear that inner voice, Maybe I'm not really that great. I want to be better, but I don't know where to begin.
Well, you’ve already got a good beginning, so let's move toward achieving your goals and give you the tools to recreate your life from the inside out.
You could learn every line in this book, and then you could go anywhere in the world, and still, you will not meet “the one” unless your attitude and your energy equal what you are looking for! I work with singles on their consciousness first, not just on techniques for flirting.
Your confidence can get a little tweaked when you're new at something or haven't had much success. You have to retune your mind in the same way you learn to play golf, to trade stock, or to master the computer. Take it step by step, be willing to risk, and you will learn how to create dynamic energy and build solid relationships. I guarantee it!
YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOUR VEHICLE AT ALL TIMES!
You are in control, and the control begins with your mental state. What do you say to yourself about your Single Status before going out into the world? What are your thoughts before attending an event, a party or a meeting? Do you say, God, I'm 35 and still alone! Or do you find yourself thinking, It'll never happen for me... I'll never meet that special someone. How about, All the good women are married or already taken.
Are you afraid that you’re not good looking enough, or that you don't make enough money?
I can’t be too emphatic about this: WHAT YOU THINK DETERMINES WHAT YOU GET! Your thoughts are the projector in your movie, and your movie is an outreach of your thoughts. Only you know what you are saying to yourself every day. You know how you feel about your body, about your intelligence, about your personality.
Are you constantly criticizing? Because if you are, you will keep women away, and any woman who breaks through your judgment barrier will have the same judgments about you that you do. Count on it.
If you want your dreams to come true, you must think only what you wish to experience. Your internal thoughts are the stepping stones to your success. Who’s in control of those thoughts anyway?
This is a great time to take back the control and steer your mind toward the outcome — not the problem.
Then you can say, "I have a whole new plan. Something great is coming my way. Things are changing. I am open." Realize you will always attract into your life what is in your mind. You are that powerful, and through this power you are attracting circumstances that lead you toward success or away from it. Again, I stress, to get your desired outcome, you must first open yourself up and believe that you deserve it. Your thoughts affect your neurology, which influences your energy vibration and finally, your results.
You are in control of your vehicle at all times!
For example, you’re walking into your office in a depressed mental state entertaining negative self-talk: Oh, I'm really lonely. I don't have anywhere to go, or Oh, poor me, my wife just left me, and I'm ruined, or The last four dates have bombed. I give up, or I have the worst luck with women, or I really don't have anything to offer anyone.
Just know that this is how you are presenting yourself to the world, because your body language follows your thoughts. Plenty of people get depressed when they’re lonely, and their depression expresses itself in body language, energy level, and attitude.
Imagine for a moment how much energy just one negative thought creates. Like a computer virus, it determines how you respond at a cellular level. It spreads to your body movements, it influences the way you walk and talk. That one negative thought becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.
The way you feel inside — and of course, the way you look outside — has an enormous impact on the energy flow between you and the people in your life. Especially women. Are you repelling or attracting right now? If you find yourself repelling, go into a higher gear, uplevel your thinking. Repeat in your mind, I am open to meeting new people, and I'm attracting new experiences now! I have success with people, especially women!
If you see a woman and think, I really want to be with her, and then you don't feel significant enough or confident enough to go over to her, how will she end up with you? You have to take risks without expectations. Do it for the adventure and the experience. You create your life every day. You are responsible! She is only one woman out of millions of available women. Risk it and know that one of these times the magic will happen, and you will succeed.
In the meantime, say something just for fun and enjoy the moment without high expectations. Who knows, you might make the connection, and even if you don’t, know that it will happen soon enough if you have the right attitude and use your thoughts powerfully.
Up to now in our society, men have been trained to be good learners, to rise to the top, to make big money and buy "toys" to impress us and other men. Conversely, it has been accepted that women care more, are more emotionally open, and are able to express deep feelings easier than most men. Not so anymore. Today, we women expect men to be emotionally available and conscious of what makes us happy.
Historically, men are visually stimulated. A man will see a woman and just "know" she is "it". Of course, “it” is totally dependent on the picture he has in his mind of what is "perfect" for him. His childhood images and experiences create that picture, and sometimes it isn't realistic. Men act on impulse and sexual stimulus.
A close friend of mine is only attracted to women who look like Anita Ekberg. This corresponds with the visual that goes all the way back to when he was a 5 year-old. He has it set in his mind that a blonde with huge breasts is the only type for him for the long haul. As you can imagine, this considerably limits the women he connects with.
I suggested that he open his options and experience all the unlimited possibilities.
I was involved with producing a video called "Hot Tips on Dating Beautiful Women." In compiling it we found that most women prefer a man with confidence. Physical good looks weren’t all that necessary. Confidence is feeling good about yourself, and having self assurance when you leave your house.
The things you say to yourself right off the bat affect that. If you wake up in the morning and think, Oh God, not another day! — if you’re unexcited about going to work because it's the same old thing, then you'll just be dragging around, and nobody will want to meet you in that state.
You have to get yourself psyched up on a daily basis…and then watch what you say when you connect with others.
Unlike most men, women are not always after looks when it comes to their ideal mate. Women experience the world more through their ears, where men are more visual in nature. According to studies, for a man, looks in a woman is almost always in the top three desired qualities. Men want a good looking woman. For most women, "good looks" is anywhere between the fifth and the tenth most desired quality.
What's important to women is personality, honesty, integrity, and financial stability, and all of this is communicated to us in the first conversation. We can hear it in your voice and see it in your body language. Women are automatically programmed to look for a stable and confident mate. We want a man who enjoys his career, because this makes us feel safer. "Security" is as important to women as "looks" are to men — although (let’s be honest here) being "put together" can also be very helpful. It all begins with the conversation.
Too many men erroneously believe that if they expose all of their successes up front, it will capture a woman. "I own a big company, an expensive car, a great condo." It might work for some men who believe that this is all they have to offer, but the results are temporary. More often than not, they end up wondering why they were taken advantage of. What works more often is a feeling of self-assurance, which shows in the way he communicates (i.e., his voice and the way he walks) and the energy vibe that he sends out.
Since listening is very important to women, your voice is a powerful tool and if it exudes confidence, it makes you more appealing to a woman right from the start.
In other words, the sound of your vehicle can make or break the deal.
"Talk low, talk slow, and don't say too much."
THE SOUND OF YOUR ENGINE
You walk into a room — a bar, an office — and you can just feel another man’s energy, you can sense a presence without hearing a word out of his mouth. When he does speak, his voice sends out a frequency that makes you wonder, What was it about him? What does he have that I don't? You want to create the same dynamic energy about yourself. You want to make an impression that matches your desired results, right? This is the mental state I was speaking about earlier it starts with your consciousness.
It starts with what you say to yourself before you leave the house.
In my private coaching sessions, I uncover my client’s true mental state and help him change it by using the kinds of questions you can answer later in this chapter. All of us have negative programs playing in our heads that we aren't even aware of, programs that run us on a daily basis.
Part of the problem is not being clear on our goals. This exercise will wake you up to yourself. You’ll hear how you sound and how you say things, and you’ll get a better idea what kind of energy you put out. You should notice a distinct shift in conscious awareness after doing this work. This is your unique diagnostic tune up! This powerful exercise takes time and focus, but the results are worth it!
You will understand what unconscious messages you send out without even knowing it. Then you can rebuild from there.
Your voice is a vital key in the attraction phase. Psychologist Don Gabor found in a study on the art of conversation that 38% of powerful communication is based on the tone of your voice. Women are very aware of the texture of your voice. That is the first signal of the vibe you send. 55% of successful communication is based on visual appearance and body language. Only 7% of powerful communication is based on the words we speak.
Where do you fit in here? Do you sound shy, nervous, arrogant…or together? Practice saying "hello" with confidence and enthusiasm. Do you sound authentic? Nerdy? Nervous? Boring?
Think only about the results you want. The subconscious mind takes your words personally and literally, as do most people. When you combine powerful words with positive emotions, your mind believes it and will create that belief in your reality. Being unconscious in your languaging prevents you from having loving relationships and creates energy-draining states that affect your voice tone.
By focusing on your desired outcome and speaking with conviction, intention, and repetition, you master your mind, upgrade your conversations, and create your ultimate destiny.
Remember, the beliefs and thoughts come first — followed by your words — and then your tone. You might not be able to see this in yourself, but think about the last person you talked to who had a droning or monotone voice. Borrrrrring! Or how about that teacher who all-but put you to sleep?
If your thoughts are negative or fearful, the words that come out of your mouth will be the same, and the tonality will match. The energy of negative or fear based words can drain listeners and is downright repellent for positive people.
Question of the hour: are you a drone?
Your tone of voice, in combination with power words, becomes a direct vibration to others. If you want to change your life, from this moment on become 100% conscious of your words.
Think about it, people get to know you from what you tell them about yourself and from your tonal energy. So be careful what you tell others about you, because it could be repeated, and especially if you spoke at a time of weakness, your self-message might not be what you want out in the world.
If you’re sad, angry, or bitter and keep talking about your ex, your terrible divorce and your abject loneliness, this is what people think about you. Moreover, besides pushing others away, the emotions behind your negative words affect the cells and weaken your health. If you have to share, tell your sad stories to trusted friends who will not pass them on — polluted with their own opinions.
Next question: are your conversations leaving others with the thoughts you want them to have of you?
Here’s another checkpoint: Every person you attract is a clear mirror of who you are in consciousness. Check out people who are around you right now. Do they represent how you feel about yourself? Do they represent what you truly deserve? If you think not, take a deeper look within.
As an example of this, I have a friend Don, who is in the process of building his confidence and shifting from having rescuer energy. Don is always out meeting women. Recently, he met a new girl and was mesmerized by her beauty and mystery. After a number of phone conversations, they finally went out for a coffee date, during which she told him that she was unhappily married and had a brother and sister type relationship with her husband. This fit Don’s pattern perfectly. He has the tendency to find women who are newly separated, in a bad marriage, or in some way wounded. He has spent much of his single life repairing women in turmoil, and in most cases they leave him in the dust after they are repaired by his kindness.
I asked Don why he would accept such mediocrity. What does he get out of it? I suggested he recall the rescuer energy pattern and notice how his vibration matched the women's needy/get attention vibration. With a little prodding, he admitted that he was still holding a core belief in his mind that there are no available women. Then he connected with a depressed, married woman who was both unhappy and unavailable to him — a direct energy match.
Don cannot find fulfillment under these conditions. He gets to be right again about women not being available and he gets to ratify his beliefs. (Beliefs create a self-fulfilling prophecy; they will always prove themselves to be true.)
Since we worked together, Don has taken a strong mental stand for a new kind of love, he’s begun his inner work, and he’s starting to realize how he created this. He sees how he will just continue to live his beliefs out again and again, so he’s been going deeper to change his core belief.
Consequently, his experiences are beginning to match his new beliefs. His internal beliefs still require some tuning up and are not perfectly matched. . . yet! But I’m happy for him, because he recognizes his patterns now faster than in the past. He has not gone back into that old pattern since.
By becoming aware of the vibration he was sending out, he took responsibility. He stopped blaming women and stopped having conversations about unavailable women with his friends. He’s been willing to look underneath and see why these vibes were there in the first place. Where did they come from? What was the original belief behind his behavior? Now he asks questions to find out if he and the woman he is attracted to are in the same place. . . available for love! If not, he wastes no time going after cheese he can’t reach. His life is definitely on a more positive track.
The Internal Diagnostic Tune-up is next. It will help you become more aware of the phases you’re in and the vibes you give out. From now on, you’ll learn to listen more intently to potential partners' answers by keying in on your own.
Use this exercise to find out both the thoughts and the energy behind your conversations. The Internal Diagnostic Tune up will assist you in figuring out what you talk about when you are out connecting with new people or hanging with your friends. Most of us talk unconsciously and would be surprised at what we say in casual conversations that affect the way we are perceived.
Let's take a look at your conversations and see how using powerful words can assist you in creating what you want every day.
"What kills a skunk is the publicity it gives itself"
SELF TALK -
THE INTERNAL DIAGNOSTIC TUNE UP
It is very important to do this inner work and tune up the engine that runs you. You may write your answers in your journal, but it is preferable to say them aloud into a tape recorder. Even better, turn on a tape recorder and let a close friend ask you the questions. I think this helps bring out more of the real you.
Let the answers flow, so that you can become aware of the beliefs you have about yourself that you unconsciously tell others.
In my seminars, I will often ask participants what kind of men they believe themselves to be and why they would be great partners. Invariably, half the audience gets tongue tied. If you don’t know, how can you expect us to?
The Internal Diagnostic Tune-Up will help you become aware of the energy you project about yourself. For most men, this exercise is a real wake up call!
So, be honest with your answers, come forth with your real thoughts, your true values, your underlying beliefs and your current goals. As you listen back, you’ll uncover the content of your consciousness in your answers and your tone of voice.
We’ll start with a series of belief questions. Again, you can write your answers in a journal, but there’s more power and reflection in a taping session with a friend. If this isn’t possible, you can ask yourself the questions and tape your responses. Either way, this is great practice, as you can investigate how you sound and notice what energy your voice puts out. This way, you become more aware of the image you project in your daily life.
Before doing this exercise, set up your environment: turn off your phone, pager, cell phone, and anything else that could distract you. If you have pets, feed them and put them in another room. If there are children around, do this when they are sleeping or not at home. Make this a priority.
Nobody’s keeping score, so don’t bother planning your answers — just let them flow out naturally…and be as accurate and descriptive as possible. This is the deep, internal tuning that will show you the areas to strengthen and tune up. Be excited, this is a way to get back the control of your life and win at love!
You’ll notice that some of the questions are repetitive, and that’s on purpose. Belief is a multi-layered phenomenon. Sometimes, we need more than one combination to open the lock to the mystery of our lives.
Remember, first you gain the awareness, then you shift gears to head in the right direction for more success in all areas of your life.
"The unexamined life is not worth living."
WHAT ARE YOUR INNER THOUGHTS AND BELIEFS ABOUT?
• living alone?
• still being single?
• growing in love with someone?
• committing to a full time relationship?
• getting married?
• having children?
• your family?
• activities you have the most passion for?
• important people in your life?
• a Higher Power?
• religious compatibility in relationships?
• casual sex?
• being friends first?
• close, intimate friendships
• a support system?
• what makes you a good choice to date?
• why you would make a good partner?
• where do you see yourself in 2 years? 5 years? 10 years?
• the 7 most important qualities and values you must have in a relationship?
• what you have to offer a mate?
• your best qualities?
• what is most important to you in life?
• your strengths of character?
• being in love? Do you enjoy being in a relationship?
• being ready or open to love?
• the qualities of a desirable woman? Do you have those qualities?
• the energy you currently project?
• your fears of aloneness?
• How would you describe yourself in 10 words?
• What is your favorite saying?
• Are you ready to love someone?
• What does the word "commitment" mean to you?
• Do you desire commitment?
• What would the experience of being in love be like to you?
• Can you imagine your life with someone great who adores you? How would you describe it?
• Do you want to have love in your life now?
• Do you think you deserve love?
• Did you have any strong role models in relationships?
• What is so powerful in these role model relationships that you would like to create for yourself?
• Are you worthy of what you're asking for?
• Currently, what is most important to you in your life?
• Are you willing to ask for support?
• Do you have a support system now?
• What are your strengths?
• What are your weaknesses?
• What are your best physical attributes?
• What are your best qualities?
• What are the values that make you who you are?
• Are you afraid that love might not happen for you?
• Do you have any commitment issues that you're aware of?
• What is love to you?
• What is your ultimate goal in life?
• Do you have a life mission?
• Where did your beliefs come from?
• Are you willing to shift gears on some of the beliefs running you?
RATE FROM 1 10 THE SATISFACTION IN YOUR LIFE NOW (1 BEING LOWEST -10 BEING HIGHEST)
• How satisfied are you with your current home environment? _____
• How satisfied are you with your work environment?____
• How fulfilled are you with the work you do?____
• How satisfied are you with your personal/social life?____
• How satisfied are you with your financial situation?___
• How satisfied are you with your spiritual/religious practices?____
• How satisfied are you with your vacations/playtime?____ Alone____? With male friends?_____ Or with a partner?_____
• How satisfied are you with your spare time activities/hobbies?____
• How satisfied are you with your current social network?____
• How satisfied are you with your fitness regime?____
• How satisfied are you with your appearance?____
• How satisfied are you with your alone time?____
• How satisfied are you with your family life?_____
Review your answers to the previous questions. Pick out the satisfying — and the not so satisfying — situations in your life. This will help you become more fully aware of how you're coming across to others. (Once you are cognizant, your energy draining words can be replaced.) The numbers you chose will indicate the areas to focus on in your inner tune up. Any numbers below 6 can be considered a tune up spot.
DESCRIBE YOUR IDEAL WOMAN
Okay! What kind of woman do you want to be with? Have you ever described your ideal mate? People spend years and years on marketing plans to create what they want in business, but most of them never really think deeply about the type of person they want as a partner.
This is your chance to do that. Describe her in as much detail as possible:
Physical description? What does your ideal woman look like? For example, is she the earthy type, the natural type, the business professional, the fashion model? Is she athletic, voluptuous, tanned and toned? What is her hair color and how does she wear it? How tall is she, how much does she weigh, what is her body type, etc.?
Career choice? What does she do in her life? Do you want to be with a woman with a solid career, or with one who's going to stay home? Do you want a natural country girl, a homemaker/mother, or a woman who works part time?
Education level? How important is her education? Does she have to be on the same level as you? Are you worried that she may be more educated — or smarter — than you?
Personality type? Does she have an open, extroverted, friendly personality? Is she a little more subdued, quiet and soft spoken? In between?
How do you feel when you're with your mate? Write this out in detail. For example, "I feel so supported, nurtured, and creative in her presence. We can really open up and connect. She's so sweet and responsive, and she honors our relationship. I'm proud to be in her life."
Common Activities? What kinds of activities do you share with your woman? Do you want to create a relationship where you're doing everything together or do you want more independence? If you're a busy man, do you want an equally busy woman, or when you come home, do you want the little woman waiting for you with pot roast? Sometimes, total opposites make the best couples. Maybe you’d prefer that she works all day, so you can stay home and take care of the kids. How much interdependence — or dependence — are you looking for? You get to co create the relationship you desire depending on what you want.
Family? You marry into a woman's family. What is your ideal family scenario? What if she is very close to her family and you aren't into the family scene? How would that play out? What if she detests your family? How important is this issue to you?
Sex/Intimacy? Your beliefs around this issue are vital in a long term relationship. When it comes to sex and intimacy, what kind of person do you want? Do you believe in sex before marriage? Are you into kissing, lovemaking, sensuality? Some people aren't sexual, and then they meet somebody who is, who tries to teach them.
Romance? Is your woman romantic? What is your unique definition of romance? Describe a romantic evening with your ideal mate.
Religion? This can be a very important issue, especially to people who are part of a specific religious culture. Does your mate have to have the same religious background? Is religion a deal breaker for you? Do you go to church and want your mate to join you? Is prayer a part of your life? How about meditation or other practices? Are you not at all into religion and refuse to have a mate who is?
Eating Habits? Does your mate have to have similar eating habits? How important is this issue with you? Vegetarian? Meat eater? Junk food junkie? Describe your preference.
Alcohol and Mind Altering Substances? Does your mate drink, smoke pot, or do any drugs? Would it be okay with you if she was on a prescription drug — such as Prozac or an anti-depressant — to maintain mood balance? What if your mate was in a 12 step program and you weren’t? Does that matter to you?
Children? Do you like kids? Do you want your own? Do you have a time-line in mind? Does a woman's time clock tick you off? Do you mind if she has children? Are you ready for the responsibility and financial realities of having children?
Animals? Are you an animal lover? If you’re not, but she has animal, is that okay with you? If you’re allergic, will that be an issue if you love her?
Sleeping habits? Does snoring bother you? Are you a heavy snoring machine? Are you a snuggler? Some people will say "I want to be with a snuggler," and then others will say "Oh God I have to sleep by myself, I don't want anybody touching me when I sleep!"
Public behavior? How does she treat you in public? Does her energy change?
Friends? Does she have friends? Describe them. How does she treat others?
Hobbies? What activities will you share? Is it important to have similar hobbies?
Day to Day Living? How will it be on a day to day basis?
Values? What are her strongest values?
Partnership? What would make you happy in a partnership?
It's very important to write your goals for your life and focus on the values and attributes that mean the most to you. Then you can become them! In her wonderful book Creative Visualization, Shakti Gawain suggests using this technique to find a soul-mate. Barbara De Angelis also uses a list process in her book Are You the One for Me?.
You can anchor in all the feelings that these descriptions represent. Before sleeping or while relaxing, consciously create in your body the sensations behind these descriptions. Play soft, relaxing music and anchor in feelings of being totally loved by a wonderful woman. Each time you hear that music, you will be creating the vibrations of a relationship of your unique design.
Only you know what your heart desires, and you can achieve that desire if you truly believe you deserve it and get your thoughts and energy aligned. Like a magnet, this alignment creates an invisible signal that attracts to us what we truly want — if the transmission isn't polluted with our own negativity.
The next set of questions deals with dates and meeting people. Ask these questions of yourself first — or let a friend do the questioning. After you have worked on your own answers, you should be more aware of how you sound, then you will start to hear the messages and feel the energy in other people's conversations.
When you ask questions of others, listen for the value words in the answers, and become aware of their communication style. The more you do this, the easier it is to learn about the people in your life. Asking a woman questions to find out her interests puts you in the driver's seat and saves time, because you'll be able to figure out her phase and her vibrational energy.
These more personal questions are appropriate for meeting people as they quickly uncover one's values and passions. When you ask these questions of a prospective connection, listen to the key words in conversations. Depending on your top values and the phase you’re interested in exploring, you can determine if this relationship will fulfill your desired outcome.
• What excites you about life? What are you passionate about?
• When you have time off, what is your favorite thing to do?
• Where is your ideal place to "chill out"?
• Do you enjoy your chosen profession, and why?
• What are the top 7 values that you possess in life?
• Talk about your family/heritage?
• Do you have any mentors or role models in life?
• What is your biggest life accomplishment to date?
• If you could be anything you wanted, what would it be?
• When you were younger, what did you want to be when you grew up?
• Find five adjectives that describe you mentally to others? Physically?
• What has been your most exciting vacation, and why?
• What are the values you are seeking in a mate?
• Who is your favorite actor or film star?
• What is your favorite movie?
• What is your favorite album from the 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s and now?
• What music gives you goose bumps? Top 3 favorites!
• What is your favorite food/restaurant? What is so special about it?
• Do you have a favorite saying?
• What is your favorite language? Do you speak one?
• What is your favorite holiday?
• What is your religious background?
• What is your favorite dessert? Where do you like to get it?
• Do you like to dance? What music do you like to dance to?
• What is your favorite story that you like to tell at parties?
• What were you like as a child? Where did you grow up?
• Who are the most important people in your life now?
• What accomplishment do you feel proudest of?
• What is a secret you've never told anyone about yourself?
• What things (activities, items, food, etc.) make you smile?
• Do you have any fetishes? Name one.
• What is your ideal, romantic date?
• What is your relationship to money? Do you enjoy it or worry about it?
• Do you like children? Have any? Want any?
• What makes you worth knowing?
• Are you fond of traditions? Does your family have any?
• If you could create a new tradition for yourself, what would it be?
• Are you active? What is your favorite physical activity?
Hopefully answering these questions, and then listening to your responses may be just what you need to both realize the energy that you send out with your words and to understand what is important to the people you are communicating with. Also, by answering these questions, you can use some of your responses to create your ideal relationship list.